Wednesday, February 22, 2006

War!!! (Please read) (Even you, Noah)

I was too entertained by this witty email (regarding the mouse problem at Dave's house) not to share it with you all. Enjoy! :)

--
Comrades,

We, the mild-mannered and peace-loving residents of Ellsworth House,
have been beset by a reprehensible foe. This foe has no regard for
our dignity nor our standard of living. We ask only to be left
alone, but it does not heed our request. It comes into our humble
abode uninvited, wreaks its havoc, and disappears again -- leaving
behind a few "souvenirs" as if to mock us. The foe is wily, bold,
and treacherous -- as well as far more numerous than we -- and it
will do everything in its power to break us down.

Our enemy is mice.

The enemy had already made a beachhead in Commodore Kolstad's food
cabinet, and was planning to use this fortified position as a
springboard for domination of the Kitchen, if not the Entire House.
Lieutenant Ueng reported numerous enemy sorties over the weekend;
these reports were verified by Special Agent Mandell on Monday night.

General Pierce decided to take preemptive action. He laid out his
decoys in the evening and quietly slipped away; Tuesday morning there
were two enemy casualties. Clearly shaken, the enemy has withdrawn
to regroup and plan new tactics.

But the fight is not over! We must press our advantage while we have
it. This afternoon I suited up for battle and, armed with a bottle
of Fantastik, attempted to make the terrain inhospitable to the
enemy. In the process, I discovered just to what extent the enemy
had made our beloved Kitchen its own. A solid trail of droppings
extended all the way from Kitchen Sink Crossroads, through Microwave
Marsh, and to the far reaches of Fruity Flats. The enemy had
appropriated much food, the prize being an eggplant with a two-inch
hole gnawed out of it.

I wiped down and disinfected the entire occupied territory. But
after an hour I began to tire; the Bronchitis I've had since Saturday
was wearing me down. Perhaps the enemy is waging biological warfare!
In any case, we cannot let down our guard. Thus I propose our

***********
BATTLE PLAN
***********

Everything that was on the counters in now on the center island;
hopefully that territory is still safe. Before it goes back from
whence it came, it needs to be washed with soap and hot water. All
the bottles, all the cutting boards, everything. Basically, you can
safely assume that anything in the middle has been sitting in mouse
poo. (I got a turd in my tea this morning because it had been stuck
to the honey bottle and came loose.) If everyone spends a few
minutes doing this when they get home tonight, it won't take very
long.

All food stored on the counter has to be in closed bottles or sealed
containers. This means that, at least for now, we need to find
somewhere new to store fruit. Can people keep their fruit in their
cupboards or the fridge?

If you find new poo on the counter or in a cabinet, (a) report it,
and (b) clean it up! It got to be as bad as it was in part because
we never did anything to discourage it.

We need to keep setting traps. McLean, do you still have the ones
from the other night? Or do we need to get more?

Other suggestions?

Respectfully Yours,
Sergeant Freeman

1 comment:

Nat said...

I recommend the documentary "Rats." Guaranteed to keep you awake at night.